Awakenings

Hi beautiful people,

I’ve been really excited lately as I’ve been coming to a lot of amazing realizations while walking my path in this lifetime. Old pain and suppressed memories have been working their way up into my consciousness. The first thing that I wanted to share today is: One of the biggest keys to living a healthier lifestyle is to learn the power of transformation. That we have the ability to break out of our programming, we can transmute our negative thought processes, to even greater transmissions expelled out into the universe. I also acknowledge that totally dissociating with anything negative is not helpful either.

Everything has variance in life. For example, when we allow ourselves to feel anger or fear we are learning what does not sit well in our lives, if we did not have this ability to feel we would make poor choices, as I have learned. When we feel anger or fear this a way for our bodies to unconsciously tell us, that what is going on, is not right. We lose touch with our emotions by suppressing them, this is when issues arise. We need to allow ourselves to be completely honest and open, and look inward for the answers to the response our body is giving us. This is incredibly hard work because a lot of the time our anger and fear take over our decision making abilities. This all stems from how we CHOOSE to respond to our environments, or lack there of.

I noticed a pain inside of me when I talked to someone who is doing amazing things for the mental health field. I was in a strange place that did not at all feel familiar, I felt really uncomfortable because I was being asked questions about my own life. I am a guru when it comes to other people’s lives and problems, but when it comes to my own, I have no clue. Sometimes our problems disguise themselves as tricky situations that arise in our environments, that set us off and ultimately give us the chance to grow and change with how we CHOOSE to respond.

I was faced with someone who reminded me of everything that I did not want to be. The issue for me was not feeling included and seeing better out of this person than the actions she was deciding to take. I saw a lot of potential in this person before I started judging her. I lost respect I had for her when I heard a few things I did not like. I CHOSE to look at this person in a negative light and to point my finger and bad mouth her behind her back. I realized that I was no different than her, in the choices I decided to make, instead of bringing my concerns to her the way a mature adult would have. Instead I put her in a box and became a hypocrite in the same moment.

I then decided to look inward for the answer to why I was feeling so negatively towards her. It was because the same thing that I was guilty of, was what I was so strongly condemning in another person. What was the point of all of the hostility and negative emotions towards someone who I was guilty of being exactly like. I searched deep down for why I was feeling this way towards her, I found that when I first met her I enjoyed how she presented herself and she seemed to really care about things that made me so proud. We all make mistakes and do things that aren’t exactly positive and that is OK. I was angry because she was my BIGGEST mirror in life up until this point. We both had a crew of friends that were equally negative and the energies coming from both groups did not sit well in the classroom environment (all lovely, amazing people individually). I realized that I had to do something to change this. I distanced myself from my friends and the area I was sitting in, as I realized I was getting intertwined with other people’s energies and emotions, and I was losing myself and disregarding my own feelings.

The last thing I wanted to touch on was, not feeling heard and not having reciprocated relationships. I was wondering why I had this incredibly lonely feeling inside of me that was growing, yet I am surrounded by people all the time. By my family and friends. I know that they all care deeply for me in their own ways, but this ugly enlightening feeling kept lingering in my gut. So I decided to acknowledge it and let it go. I realize that I am a very sensitive and caring individual who puts people who are dealing with incredible struggles before myself. BUT, I had to learn that I also have incredible struggles and deserve to be heard, just as much as the people I have supported. I realize, that for my whole life I’ve surrounded myself with people who need help and can not understand reciprocation. I also realized that I am not helping these people to grow in a sense of learning reciprocation and that is ok (from one perspective), but I am not learning to grow in these situations either.

I had to take full responsibility for that one. I’ve been doing this to myself on this journey, called my life. I have grown comfortable with attracting people who are unhealthy in my life as it brings me back to the trauma I faced as a child. I felt invisible because my emotions were neglected for so long. I have learned so much and have helped so much, but now, I am taking as much time as I need to feel good about my own life and circumstances. I am the creator of my lifestyle and I CHOOSE to take myself to a higher level of consciousness. I CHOOSE to no longer take part in soul extortion, as I have done enough of that to myself, by dissociating with any negative feelings that arose in my life. Now I need to focus on being the best student and support worker that I can be, not only for myself but for the people who really need my support.

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